Recognizing Emotionally Immature Parents in Immigrant Families

By: Sandy Maw, LPC, MA

Since the publishing of ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ by Lindsay Gibson in 2015, there has been an increase in awareness of emotional immaturity in older adults, especially our parents. I’m sure growing up, most of us looked to our parents for stability, emotional safety, and validation. So, what happens when they are unable to provide that for us? How does having an emotionally immature caregiver affect us as children and throughout our lifetime? While there has been some talk about emotional immaturity in parents in the last few years since Gibson published her book, there have been fewer discussions of the prevalence of emotional immaturity in immigrant families. I hope to spark a larger discussion of the topic as well as to provide some validation for those who experienced this in their childhood and/or with their families in this post.

In many immigrant households, love is often expressed through sacrifice – parents working long hours, providing good education and enduring systemic challenges to build a better life for the next generation. However, for many adult children of immigrants, their emotional needs were not met as children with the same urgency as their material or financial needs. This can lead to them feeling emotionally neglected, and often have their experiences invalidated by others as “at least you had a roof over your head and food to eat”. This isn’t the child’s fault and having emotionally immature parents can be detrimental to the child’s development, relationships, and well-being. Knowing the reasons why our parents are emotionally immature does not dull the pain it has caused us. However, it can provide us with a clearer image of what we went through and better language to discuss it. Emotionally immature parenting can be especially complex in immigrant families, where trauma, survival and cultural values collide with generational differences and emotional disconnect.

So, what does emotional immaturity look like in immigrant parents?

Emotionally immature immigrant parents often carry unprocessed trauma from war, displacement, poverty, racism, or isolation. Emotional maturity—self-awareness, empathy, emotional regulation—is not, and often can’t be a priority when survival is at the forefront. In these homes, parenting often looks like:

·       Emotional invalidation (“You have nothing to be sad about—we had it worse.”)

·       Rigid roles and expectations (“You’re the oldest—you take care of everyone.”)

·       Avoidance of difficult conversations, especially about mental health, sex, or relationships

·       Guilt or control masked as love (“After everything I’ve done for you…”)

·       Conditional approval based on performance (“We love you when you succeed.”)

These behaviors often stem from intergenerational trauma and cultural norms—not cruelty. But the impact on children is real, and it often leaves emotional scars.

How does having emotionally immature parents affect us?

Growing up with emotionally immature parents in an immigrant household can leave you feeling like you’re living in two worlds. In many immigrant communities, expressing your feelings or asking for emotional support can be viewed as weakness. Mental health is also often stigmatized and therefore, emotional maturity was not modeled. It can feel very invalidating to experience distress or conflict with our parents, as they are unable to understand the fault in their actions or may deny it. And at the same time, children and adult children or emotionally immature immigrant parents may witness their peers and colleagues share healthy emotional communication with their family and parents. This can then lead them to question, “Why are other parents able to be emotional and express remorse or be held accountable and not mine?” Children of emotionally immature parents may grow up to feel emotionally responsible for their parents’ well-being and moods, have poor boundaries within their relationships, feel that their emotions are invalidated, try to avoid vulnerability, and be hyper independent. Some may have also internalized the belief that needing emotional support is selfish or even shameful.

Immigrant parents additionally, may love deeply and have made many sacrifices for their children however, struggle to express this in healthy ways. They may try to express their affection through control, silence, pressure, or even non-verbal ways such as bringing you food or gifts that you may need. It’s hard to name that our parents may be causing harm even though they have made many sacrifices for us. However, emotional immaturity and parental sacrifice can coexist and acknowledging one does not negate the other.

So, what do we do heal from emotionally immature immigrant parents?

Although our parents may or may not acknowledge the hurt, they may have caused in our past, it is still important to validate your own experience and feelings. I believe the first step towards healing comes from acknowledging and validating our own emotions so we can be more mindful of and accept our own emotional needs and communication skills. The next step of healing can look like reframing the narrative of your experience, to look at things from the perspective of Yes, my parents did the best they could, AND sometimes it wasn’t enough” instead of “They did their best” and minimizing our experience.

Finally, it may also be helpful to set some firm boundaries with emotionally immature parents in order to preserve your mental and emotional wellness. It is still possible to have a relationship with your family despite setting boundaries as the boundaries can look like taking some space from family, walking away when you are frustrated and revisiting the topic when calmer, avoiding certain topics that lead to conflict, or focusing on the positive aspects of the connection. If you truly are unable to continue having a relationship with your emotionally immature parents, there is also the option of cutting off communication with them. Most people do not come to this decision easily and it is often painful for everyone involved but may be necessary for everyone’s mental wellness. As a parent, if you have a difficult relationship with your adult children, you can read more about how to navigate this stage of your relationship with your children here. 

Another way to navigate this relationship and experience with emotionally immature parents is to connect with other adult children of immigrants who speak about their own complex relationships with family. This can help you feel less alone and supported by a community of people who can relate to your experience without passing judgement. A way to find other children of immigrants could be at cultural events within your city or neighborhood, or on online forums and groups, attending support groups and speaking with culturally competent mental health professionals. If you’d like to speak with a culturally competent clinician at our practice, Contact Us to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call.